This Cat Fucks

I can’t believe I am saying this, but I don’t think I hate cats anymore. Actually let me rephrase that, I don’t hate ALL cats anymore. 99.999999% of them are evil creatures that hiss at you like the snakes they are and would gladly claw your face off if given the chance. If you don’t know who to root for in the Super Bowl, root for the Patriots simply because Todd Gurley hates dogs and loves cats.

However, if you don’t like the cool ass cat in that video, you are a thick-headed asshole. I bet if you asked him when he was going to get up, he would respond with a cool ass response like Never O’Clock, kimosabe. He’s like a real life Garfield. And if you didn’t get down with that lasagna loving, Monday hating, super relatable feline, you can go fuck yourself. Dude (figuratively) dog walked John and that happy idiot Odie with his sharp wit using only thought bubbles. I don’t know if one cool orange cat is born every 20 years while the rest of them suck. But I’ve never been more jealous of an animal in my life and I get paid to blog smut while I sit at home in my sweatpants.

Confession: I don’t know if this cat actually fucks, but I feel like that was an expression used at one point on the internet to say something was cool. For all I know, this cat was a victim of the pro-neutering propaganda pushed by Bob Barker and Drew Carey on the Price Is Right. I would also never slut shame a cat if it did indeed fuck. That’s not cool, especially in 2019. Caleb, if you are reading this, please do a @Thinker video about cat sex at your earliest convenience. The world needs to be enlightened about the happenings of pussies’ pussies.